Baby Accessories Guru

Did you mom ever sew?  Mine sewed all our baby clothing and then through most of our teens.  I used to hate it.  Then I got to buy something off the rack!! yeah!!  It was horrible.  I had no idea I had a personal custom tailor at home.  Of course by then she went to work and sewing wasn’t a priority.  She had the gall to think I had to learn how.

Well I learned how.  It’s been an,uh experience.  Babies and toddlers are much easier to sew for.  Men’s pants are impossible and women, some anyway, have too many curves.  Men shirts are okay, but for the most part, I’d rather crochet.  I find crocheting soothing, whereas sewing can be murder on your mood.

ell time for more baby talk.  Funny baby tees, onesies, toddler clothes, etc.  There is so much to pick from in baby clothes.  20 years I found the coolest diapers.  They were cakked B-52’s.  How appropriate.  I can’t find them anymore.

I wish I could describe how they look - but the fit is perfect - even from newborn it doesn’t look like they are even wearing a diaper.  The best way I guess to describe them is they look like a finger tip bandaid with one side having longer strips.  When they are little you can use one pin to pin both sides and the front togeter.  As they grow you just spread out the strips until you are using one pin.  Strips doesn’t really describe it - but you get the idea.  I wish I could find them again.  They are better than disposable.  The only leak I ever had was when my baby got diahrrea.

Another day another diaper.  I remember wanting to save the planet by using cloth diapers.  They sagged, bagged and geez it was fun rinsing them out.  It was impossible to find baby tees that would cover all the bulk.

One day I cam home from work and the washer was filled to the top with extra hot, bleach filled diapers.  And, of course, the washer died right there.  Needless to say, I told my wife - disposable only and start potty trraining NOW!  Okay I was a little hasty, he was only 2 months old at that time.

Help! My baby is moving out!  So what, he’s 19-1/2 (going on 45), he has his own car, he a chef apprentice at a 5 star hotel (the Brown Palace, in Denver) amd as often as I have prayed for this day, it’s still hard.  Yeah, stop your bitching I still have one of 3 at home.  But they just keep leaving.  3 more years and I’ll be out of kids!  Uh, hey stupid, YEAH!  Now we can have some fun!

Remeber the funny baby shirts you sell.  They’re not just funny, they are so true (sometimes twisted) .  Let go!

No, this isn’t Gage, it’s Judy!  Do you know the best part of having babies is making them - even if it’s just practice.  I get tired of being sterotyped because I’m a mom.  I like sex, and I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who doesn’t make me work 24 hrs/day to keep the house, kids, yard and everything else running while he works then comes home, turns on the TV and has a beer and then bitch about no sex.

The old joke - which should be on some funny baby clothing - What’s the difference between a mistress, whore and wife.  The mistress says “more, more”, the whore says “deeper, deeper” and the wife says “beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.  Listen up men!  I never want to hear “if momma ain’t happy no one is”.  There is a reason for that!  We can make you happier than you ever dreamed and it’s so easy - HELP OUT!  It will be worth it!

Jennifer Crusie says “if you can’t be a good example, be a horrible warning.”  Okay, Jennifer, how do they discover you are the warning and not the example?  All we can do is the best we can.  I have a lot, I mean a lot of junk.  The trouble is I didn’t realize it until after my kids were born.Now that they are older, what do you do?  I’m just doing the best I can.

If I had realized a lot of what is going on with me is heriditary I would have never had kids.  Babies need to be born with baby clothes that include instructions and directions.  My heritage in American Indian.  In my culture the young have the kids and the elders do most of the raising.  Today we shun our parents, move thousands of miles away, which, I believe, leaves our kids with the short end of the stick.  I’m not incompetent, I just haven’t live long enough or through the things I need to to give my kids what I could have with the help of my parents being there.

Remember when they came out with the book “Dress For Success”?  According to that book I would have to dye my hair brown and cut off 4-5 inches, and that is just the beginning.  Now they are saying “you are what you wear”.  The tips are; 1.   No tight pants or tops, 2.   No low cut blouses or tops (somebody better tell Dr. Cutty on house right away), 3.  No scuffed of unpolished shoes, 4,  Very little bling (I guess you’d have to have some first), 5.  No baseball hats, particularly worn backwards (save the hats for formal occasions and wear them backwards when you’re in a hurry and want less wind resistance.  There are more, but geez, no Mickey Mouse Tees - what is this world coming to!  Where are the cute baby clothes.

One of the advantages of working at home is it doesn’t matter what I wear.  I wonder what flannel pj’s say about me?